– The Saga Continues –
Covid 19 and A Developing Love In Midst Of World Chaos
How desperate must one be to give up everything and start over and fresh at the age of 60 years?
How long can anyone deal with coldness and neglect in a relationship that was once love?
How do you deal with when you realize years ago, it is only a charade and facade but your significant other has no clue?
Should I stay or should I go?
All of the sudden I was in love – at 60. I fell into a deep kind of love that I have never felt before with anyone. It is beautiful and exciting, as well as invigorating and refreshing.
All of the sudden there is someone who cares, who hangs on your lips and listens to every word you say; someone who takes a real interest in everything you do and say and someone who looks out for you in every way – genuinely.
You ask yourself: How did you deserve to find this kind of love?
Maybe it is not of this world.And it is not your better or worse half, but someone you have never met in person.
Let me back up a bit. Today is a very strange day. If I thought things would be peaceful, I was wrong.
After all, my soon to be ex-husband declared a complete understanding for the reasons of me breaking up my marriage weeks ago. The fact that I am in love with someone else is not even the factor for it, because if my marriage was alright, I would have never fallen for anyone else. My eyes would not have wandered and my ears would have not listened for the sweet whisper of my woodworking witch.
This is not the usual love relationship, because right now it only exists on the higher realm and on face time, since we are still 8000 miles apart. But it is the kind of love, that is forever, that survives the craziness of anything and that is glued together for all eternity.
I had my moments of Glory and Fame and cannot deny, that my now husband has a little to do with that. People will not understand that I am giving up producing at my own Record Label and with my own personal producer, that I waited years on to learn the job.
I could have gone to other labels, but it was not only about the producing, instead I was trying to give the man I was married to a feeling of self worth and pride, but he did not get that one at all. He did not see, that I sacrificed years waiting for him to get it together, when my career could have rocketed somewhere else.
When he finally did get it together, I was the one realizing how unhappy I had become over the years.
I was lonely in a marriage and dying on the inside. Sure, I tried to talk to him about it, but was put off with rude remarks like: “Quit your whining, get a hobby so you have something to do” or the really good one “Call someone who gives a shit.”
I stopped talking a few years ago and just embedded myself into what I thought was my destiny.
I had and still have my rescue animals and they did and still do make me very happy, but on a different level.
I was still dying. My husband was happily talking to his exes in a very friendly manner in a tone of voice, that I did not hear in his voice for years when he was talking to me. You could say, he was beasty, bossy and being a total asshole at all times.
Did I feel close to him anymore? Hell no, I started to isolate myself and did what I always had to do: work to earn the money for the family, take care of the big ass garden, since he was not able (so he said) and became an emotional corpse.
Sex was not on the agenda mainly, because I have to be in love to give myself to someone and I have not been in love with that man for a very long time, but did not really realize that until Covid 19 happened and Thailand was under lockdown.
I have been in self-quarantine since January and been going out only with permission and when I had to.
I don’t do well locked up and had to go into my garden a lot not to feel like a prisoner. At least I could do that and thought of everyone that was stuck in one room apartments.
Then there was the sexual fantasy of one of my husbands exes and she freely shared it with him; like what she would like to do to him. He did not really participate in that but he did not stop her either and asked me after I complained with what right I deserve her respect as his wife? (I explained that in the last blog)
I was furious and angry and lost my temper right there, which was nothing nice.
In the meantime something started to blossom that kind of crept up like a tender reed, very shyly, but persistent in the midst of all that ugliness and craziness my marriage and the world had to offer.
Today’s sixty is the new forty and I never thought about age, when I broke it off with my husband, but I thought of feeling free, finding happiness and love and breathing a hell a lot easier again.
So here I am now – stripped of all pretending, going through hell, because I miss my woodworking witch so badly and want to go home to be with him forever, enduring the bullshit my still husband is giving me on a daily base and saying goodbye to my past.
It was a good past at times with glorious moments and I have fond memories of many things, especially where my music is concerned, but I am breaking free from a prison and a make believe world, in which I would have suffocated sooner or later, because my soul was already dead and I did not know it.
I pray to the father, the son and the holy ghost, as well as the Gods and Goddesses of all other traditions to release me soon from this prison and hell and give me the opportunity to be their vessel along with my sweet woodworking witch, who also is a God fearing man, with different beliefs.
We are one in our thinking, our feelings, our everyday lives and the way we do things. We spend at least twelve hours per day together in face time and it almost is as if we are already living together with only one difference – which is 8000 miles between us.
Can a digital love survive? You bet it can and I will keep you updated on how our story continues. Right now it is what it is, but these big emotions and this wonderful love between us is not of this world and what Gods have put together, no man shall ever destroy. It is beautiful and we both are so deeply in love with each other like neither of us have ever been.There will be a day soon, where we will be together forever.
Namaste from Thailand, my dear ones …
And How Was Your Day?